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I still play Pokémon like an aggressive child and I regret nothing

Mashable’s collection Do not @ Me takes unpopular opinions and backs them up with… causes. All of us have our methods, however we may persuade you to alter yours. And if not, chill.

Pokémon Diamond and Pearl had been launched nearly a decade and a half in the past, introducing gamers to the Sinnoh area for the primary time. Their remakes Pokémon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl had been launched 4 weeks in the past on the Nintendo Change. Within the 15 years between these releases, I have graduated highschool, accomplished two levels, switched careers, and modified my thoughts about olives.

I have additionally proven completely no progress regarding how I play Pokémon.

Pokémon is a phenomenally standard, theoretically strategic online game franchise. In principle, gamers catch varied supernaturally powered critters and make them battle one another, assessing the strengths and weaknesses of every to assist decide beneficial match-ups. For instance, Fireplace-type Pokémon are sturdy towards Grass-type however weak towards Water-type, whereas Water-type are weak towards Grass-type. It is all very “Circle of Life.” Theoretically, gamers try to “catch ’em all,” constructing a menagerie of Pokémon to go well with any event or encounter.

But I select to disregard such compatibility points. Sure, abducting tons of of dwelling, sentient creatures from their pure habitats has its joys. Sure, it’s satisfying to focus on an opponent’s weak spot and watch their well being bar plummet, like a scathing teen stabbing straight at their sufferer’s insecurities. Still, I largely favour reducing the Gordian knot. 

I do not want an enormous assortment of instruments for one million completely different events. I simply want one, and it’s known as “hitting so arduous that I vaporise each my enemy and the seven generations that got here earlier than them.”

One punch Pokémon

A lot as it’s in actual life, I’ve discovered that the vigorous utility of overwhelming violence can clear up a myriad of issues in Pokémon. Water could douse hearth, however a puddle can not halt an inferno. Thus, my sole technique for Pokémon Good Diamond and Shining Pearl stays unchanged from what it was in Pokémon Diamond and Pearl, which in flip stands untouched since 1998’s Pokémon Purple and Blue. 

I merely use my one Fireplace-type starter Pokémon for each single battle, coaching them up till they’re so ridiculously highly effective and over-levelled that not even naturally flame-resistant Pokémon can stand up to their wrath. 

It is the Pokémon equal of fully neglecting leg day in favour of getting probably the most swole arms in human historical past. Different Pokémon could often make an look on the battlefield, switching it up for a little bit of selection. But even then, my giant grownup flamey boi is all the time lurking menacingly within the background, an overprotective older sibling prepared to leap in if issues go mistaken.

Is such excessive favouritism what Sport Freak envisaged after they first developed Pokémon’s gameplay? Most likely not. However no person goes to return for the man with the Christmas hams for forearms.

In fact, I might select the Water- or Grass-type starters as a substitute of all the time going for the Fireplace-type. I think about they’d take to my pragmatic method to Pokémon coaching simply as nicely. Nonetheless, I was not banned from taking part in with water or grass as a child. Additional, a number of Fireplace-type assaults have the added bonus of often inflicting burns — one of many solely circumstances by which I trouble with strikes that inflict standing results.

SEE ALSO:

I will all the time play the identical hero in ‘Dota 2’ and I’m not sorry

I’ll make this fast

Pokémon’s standing strikes are one other layer of rigorously crafted technique which I have rigorously chosen to disregard. Every Pokémon has as much as 4 strikes that they will use in battle, a few of which can be standing strikes. These skills do not instantly or straight inflict injury on a focused Pokémon, however as a substitute apply a standing impact corresponding to elevating their defence, reducing their assault energy, and even complicated them.

That is all nicely and good when you anticipate the battle to final for some time. I don’t. I have locations to go, Pokémon to kidnap, and many babies to brutally humiliate. Why put somebody to sleep briefly when I might put them to sleep completely?

I’m nicely conscious that utilizing standing strikes may give you a slight benefit. For instance, paralysing Pokémon reduces their velocity, and offers it a 25 p.c probability of being unable to assault. Frankly, these odds aren’t adequate for me. In the event you had been in a bar battle and there was a 25 p.c probability your esteemed colleague would cease swinging when you simply stood still and left your self open, you wouldn’t take that probability. 

It is the identical with Pokémon. There’s still a a lot bigger 75 p.c probability a paralysed Pokémon will fortunately kick my ass if given half the chance, so I have completely no intention of offering one. It will be completely different in the event that they wished to cease the preventing. But when the one factor stopping them from making an attempt to ship me on a home go to to Hell is the truth that they’re momentarily bodily incapable of it, then I’m not going to be apologetic about punching them of their squishy little face.

Chimchar in Pokemon Brilliant Diamond and Shining Pearl

Limitless powaaaahhhh!
Credit score: Pokémon Good Diamond and Shining Pearl / Nintendo

That is not to say standing results do not have their place. My favorite injury strikes all the time have an extra probability to paralyse, poison, or in any other case hinder my opponent (simply considered one of many causes I favour hearth). Nonetheless, that is all the time a pleasing aspect impact fairly than the top aim, the icing on the grievous bodily hurt cake.

Whereas I have been recognized to deliberately poison or burn an enemy with out concurrently swiping away a piece of their well being, this sometimes solely happens when I have the time and inclination to look at them die slowly. This often occurs when my Pokémon are already giant and sturdy sufficient that my prey’s demise throes barely scratch them — pitiful, futile splashing as their heads are held underwater. It is an pleasant pastime fairly than a method to an finish.

The very best protection is an efficient offense, and the most effective offense can be an excellent offense. I’m not going to be sitting round singing to my enemy when I could possibly be punching them, or scratching them, or lighting them on hearth. Nor am I going to ponder what kind of Pokémon they’re, or which of my acolytes could be greatest suited to dispatching them.

I am a god, and a god doesn’t concern themselves with whether or not mortals brandish sticks or stones. You lived by my whim. Now I select to unmake you.

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