Humanity finds itself at a low ebb. Years of entrenched division imply that we will no longer discover a single factor to agree upon. We’re blissful to tear one another aside for the slightest ideological incursion, howling shrieks of shock at any time when anybody fails to fit into the slim grid system of our more and more binary worldview. It’s a tragedy, nevertheless it doesn’t need to be this fashion. What if a courageous shining knight got here charging in on a golden steed, presenting us with a fact so easy and simple that it might reunite all of humanity as we all know it? Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
Nicely, cease dreaming. The actor, screenwriter and producer Paul Rudd has simply been named because the sexiest man alive. We’re saved.
Individuals journal, which has since 1985 compiled a forensically scrutinised sexiness rating of all of the world’s males, has introduced that Paul Rudd has lastly achieved it. Out of all the lads who’re at present alive, Rudd is objectively sexier than all of them. Sexier than Michael B Jordan, who was named because the sexiest man alive final yr. Sexier than John Legend, who was named because the sexiest man alive in 2019. Sexier than Chris Hemsworth, Bradley Cooper, Jude Legislation, Nick Nolte or John F Kennedy Jr, who have been named because the sexiest males alive in 2014, 2011, 2004, 1992 and 1988 respectively. Sexier even than Johnny Depp, who was named because the sexiest man alive on two completely different events regardless of, you know, all the pieces. All these hunky bimbos can get within the bin, as a result of Paul Rudd simply out-sexied the entire rattling lot of them with one hand tied behind his again.
In response to his new award, Rudd instructed Individuals: “I’m going to lean into it laborious. I’m going to personal this. I’m not going to attempt to be like: ‘Oh, I’m so modest’. I’m getting enterprise playing cards made … I’m hoping now that I’ll lastly be invited to a few of these attractive dinners with Clooney and Pitt and B Jordan. And I determine I’ll be on a lot extra yachts”. Which could sound as if he’s exaggerating for comedian impact. However he’s not. As a result of Paul Rudd actually is the sexiest man alive.
Rudd has at all times managed to be good-looking in a method that borders on the miraculous. Not solely is there his seemingly supernatural lack of ability to age – he’s solely 5 years youthful than Nigel Farage, for example, who has spent the final decade trying just like the botched outcomes of a scientific quest to fuse Loopy Frog with the idea of gout – however he additionally radiates harmful ranges of easygoing appeal. There’s no mysterious darkness to Paul Rudd. There’s no trace that he would ever try to steal your spouse regardless that everybody is aware of your spouse would depart you for him in a second.
And ever since he joined the Marvel payroll, Rudd’s sexiness has solely expanded. He’s nonetheless the identical goofball he at all times was, besides that now he’s contractually obliged to briefly present a six-pack onscreen as soon as per film. This newly showcased bodily health implies that Rudd has now achieved the rarefied standing of four-quadrant sexiness. He’s good to take a look at. He has good hair. He’s humorous. He’s bizarre sufficient to make an Ant-Man trailer that consists of nothing however he and Michael Douglas slapping their thighs and shouting the phrase “ants” time and again with more and more deranged depth. This, girls and gents, is what the phrase attractive was created for.
Even his comparatively superior years no longer matter. Rudd isn’t the oldest sexiest man alive ever – Harrison Ford was 56 when he was awarded the title in 1998, and Sean Connery was 59 when he was topped in 1989 – however who cares concerning the piffling matter of age? Rudd can be attractive when he’s 70, and when he’s 90. His physique might be dug up by robots a thousand years from now and his ruined corpse would nonetheless be a thousand instances sexier than you in your finest day. Severely, ask anybody if they’ve a crush on Paul Rudd, and the one individuals who will reply negatively are either liars or sociopaths.
Certain, you would possibly discover individuals who will declare that the whole notion of world’s sexiest man is a sham, a half-baked publicist-assisted con job designed to spice up the circulation of a wilting publication whereas amplifying the winner’s newest venture (Rudd’s new Ghostbusters film is launched a week from now, coincidentally). However this isn’t a time for cynicism. Could all of us swoon at his toes for ever.